This Summer, Encourage Your Kids to Talk to Grandma
Published: Jul. 26, 2004
July 26, 2004
URBANA--Genealogy buffs spend hours scrutinizing census records and passenger lists from 300-year-old ships to gain insight into their family's history. These days, with families containing as many as four or five living generations, they might do better to get out of the courthouse and actually visit with their relatives.
"Relationships across multiple generations can be very rewarding--even across many miles and despite hectic schedules," said Amy Griswold, family life educator for University of Illinois Extension. "Members of different generations may see things differently, but that doesn't mean there has to be conflict."
Griswold spends a lot of time convincing families to build bridges across those generation gaps. "If you understand why people are the way they are, it's easier to respect difference and get beyond it," she said.
Griswold characterized four living generations by recounting the historical events that shaped them.
People born before 1945 lived through the Depression and World War II, and they are typically frugal and patriotic because of those experiences. They believe in sacrifice and hard work, conformity, respect for authority, and duty before pleasure.
Baby Boomers grew up in economic prosperity with parents who wanted to give them material comforts and a good education. Early Boomers were affected by Civil Rights battles, the Kennedy and King assassinations, and Vietnam. They are often optimistic team players who believe their hard work entitles them to enjoy life a little.
Generation Xers were the first children likely to have both parents in the work force or to be living in a single-parent household. Often referred to as latchkey kids, they watched the Challenger explosion and music videos on TV and absorbed their parents' tension in these more difficult economic times. The self-reliant Xers value balance and fun.
Millennials, born between 1981 and 2000, are a technologically savvy group. Almost one-third are non-Caucasian. Growing up, they witnessed the Columbine school shooting and the September 11 attacks in living color and absorbed the Clinton presidential scandals. Even though the future seems uncertain, many Millennials are optimistic and focus on personal goals.
But understanding a person is just the first key to bridging a generation gap, Griswold said. Acceptance, or the ability to separate a person from his behavior, is important. And forgiveness, the ability to let go of hurt or anger from past conflict, is also necessary.
"It's hard to accept people when their behavior opposes our own values," she said. "But you can understand, for example, why people who lived through the Depression would get upset with their children's credit-card spending. It's hard to keep quiet when you love someone and feel strongly about something.
"But you can still love a person when you don't like what she's doing, and it's important to send the message that you do."
Griswold said that kids will often talk to their grandparents or great-grandparents--or seek advice from them about difficult topics--when Mom and Dad can't get them to make polite dinner-table conversation.
"Research shows it's often easier for adults and children to communicate when you skip a generation. You don't have the stressful, day-to-day stuff that's going on between a mother and a daughter, for example," she noted.
Getting across that generation gap is beneficial for both sides. "Let's face it, kids and grandparents have a lot to offer each other. Sometimes unconditional love and acceptance can be given more easily across some generational distance," she said.
"And when a teenager can begin to look at things from the perspective of his grandfather, or the other way around, there's growth and some real character building going on there," she added.
To start or re-start communication across generations, Griswold recommended using open-ended questions. Ask a child about his pet or a teen about his worst teacher. Ask new parents how they find time for themselves. Ask grandparents about a hobby or a great-grandparent about her childhood or her life as a young adult.
Griswold also recommends getting family members of different generations together in the kitchen. "There's something about preparing food together that crumbles communication barriers. Many people are surprised when they think about how many important family conversations took place in the kitchen," she said.
And sometimes there's an advantage to being in a middle generation. "You may be getting grief from both sides, but you can also understand and explain one generation to the other because you're close to both. You have some insight into both your kids' clothing choices and your parents' anxieties," Griswold said.
If four or five generations are alive in your family, it would be a shame to miss out on getting to know the wide spectrum of personalities and experiences, Griswold said. "It's sad, but people don't live forever, so it's important to have these relationships while you can.
"Besides, in getting to know your family, you learn so many things about yourself," she said.
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