This Commencement Address Aimed at Grads' Families
Published: May. 8, 2006
URBANA - When new cadets graduate from the University of Illinois Police Training Institute (PTI), family members are no longer just proud spectators.
On graduation morning, spouses and parents attend a U of I Extension workshop that teaches them how to deal with the other emotions they're feeling, including anxiety about their family member's safety and confusion about how best to support the new police officer they'll be taking home.
"Intimate supportive relationships are not a luxury if you're in police work," Extension specialist in work-life balance Angela Wiley tells her cadets in PTI sessions on stress prevention. Now she wants to make sure their families get the message.
But what does that support look like? In her workshop, Wiley shares the stresses that are peculiar to police work and tells families how they can strategize to protect their marriages, their families, and their own emotional well-being. She's uniquely qualified to do so.
"I know firsthand about managing the stress that goes with having a police officer in the family," said Wiley, a U of I assistant professor of human and community development.
"My brother is a policeman, and family festivities were on hold for hours last Christmas while he answered a call. Dinner was getting cold, and the kids kept asking when they could start opening presents. Everybody started to get a little tense," she said.
That was trying, but it wasn't nearly as demanding as the day her brother phoned for reassurance when he had been involved in a fatal shooting.
"It's hard to imagine a profession that's more stressful than police work," she said. "More police officers now die at their own hand than are killed in the line of duty. They also have high rates of divorce, alcoholism, depression, and stress-related illnesses, such as 'cop ulcers' and high blood pressure.
"Police officers see life at its worst, and it can make them cynical. They learn to see the world differently than we do. You may see a homeless man in the supermarket parking lot. He sees a decoy and is looking for the person who's going to assault him while his attention is elsewhere," Wiley said.
It all takes a toll--on the officer and on his family. "The typical complaint from police spouses is: never home, doesn't talk, crabby all the time," Wiley said.
So how can families provide support? It helps if adult family members are available to listen and to talk nonjudgmentally. Police work is a job that's hard to leave at the office, no matter how much spouses wish they would.
"A police officer may not be able to forget about the child molester she arrested that day when she comes home to her own young children," Wiley said.
The officer may have been involved in a crisis and keeps replaying it in his mind to see if it could have turned out differently. "Police officers have had a lot of training, and even if they're second-guessing themselves, they've usually done the right thing. As a family member, your job is just to listen and be supportive," she said.
More than other people whose jobs don't require such a dramatic change in behavior, officers may also need help in transitioning to an "off-work" frame of mind.
Many officers experience the ill effects of hypervigilance. "They can't ever let down their guard, so when they get home, they just crash, sit in the magic chair, and their families can't reach them. It's a biological response, and they can't help it," she said.
So Wiley is teaching PTI cadets to be intentional about recuperation at day's end. "Let your families know you'll need down time when you get home. But then you have to come back to earth and be present in your relationships. You can't have six beers and do that, so you have to plan how you're going to recuperate."
To their families, she says, "Help them, don't nag them, to come up with strategies that will bring them back into the family circle. Keep your tentacles in a number of different social circles--not necessarily law enforcement, and do fun, comfortable activities. Don't let your officer just sit there and watch TV."
Wiley advises police spouses to be as flexible as they can. "Shift work makes it difficult for police families to plan things together. Even when cops are off duty, they can be called in for a crisis or a court appearance.
"You may also find yourself doing more parenting than the average spouse," she added. "Police officers have no control over their schedule, so don't add the pressure of how you're going to react to an already stressful change of plans."
Wiley recommends that police spouses take good care of themselves so resentment doesn't get a foothold. "Exercise and try to do the things that take you out of yourself and bring you peace. It will replenish your energy and allow you to be available to your officer and to others."
And she reminds spouses not to begrudge partners their own time to work out or relax with a hobby.
Wiley's final word of advice to cadets and their families: "Save the best of yourself for the things that are most important to you. When you are able to spend time together, be there for each other. Be fully present in your relationship." -30-