It's a Jungle Out There! Coach Your Child for Social Survival
Published: Jul. 17, 2007
URBANA - You track your children's academic progress, athletic prowess, and worry about their appearance and their weight, but what are you doing to make sure they have social "survival" skills?
"Social competence, or the ability to get along with people, involves skills that can be learned," said Angela Wiley, a University of Illinois Extension family life specialist. "It's possible to coach the skills that contribute to social success, even if your child is quiet and introspective by nature."
Why are social skills important? Kids who are rejected by their peers are likely to have poor self-esteem along with the negative outcomes that accompany it. And such children are often victimized, or they may bully and victimize others, she said.
"Children are exposed to aggressive behavior in school, at play, and on the Internet at younger and younger ages, and almost all children have been involved with bullying in some way--if not as the victim, then certainly as a passive observer, happy it isn't them," she said.
How can you tell if your child needs social coaching? Wiley said parents should look for patterns, not the occasional social blunder or mishap. "Most children experience rejection sometimes, and most children are socially clumsy, insensitive, or even unkind occasionally," she said.
In her book Parents Do Make a Difference: How to Raise Kids with Solid Character, Strong Minds, and Caring Hearts, Michele Borba offers some signs that your child may need extra help:
- Does your child lack at least one or two mutual close friends?
- Does he have trouble winning or losing gracefully?
- Does she seem to feel hurt when another child is hurt or rejected?
- Is he often bossy, insisting on his own way?
- Does she prattle on endlessly without noticing that another child might like to talk too?
- Is he excessively quiet or unable to get into a conversation?
- Does he constantly tease or annoy other children?
Here are some signs that your child is socially competent:
- He can deal with strong feelings, especially negative ones. He can handle anger or disappointment if, for example, he's not chosen for a team.
- She experiences empathy--she truly cares for other people and puts her own needs second sometimes.
- He is at ease in social situations. He can start and carry on a conversation.
- He knows how to do social problem solving. He has some idea what to do if he sees one child bullying another.
- She is ethical. If she sees someone drop a $5 bill, she returns it, even though it's not in her self-interest.
How do you coach a child to develop these social skills? The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends a four-part strategy: point out, practice, praise, and prompt.
First, point out the problem area specifically and privately. "You might say 'I notice you can be a little bossy.' Take her aside and remind her that other children don't like it when kids are bossy, that everybody gets a chance to make decisions. Tell her sensitively and privately so that you don't humiliate her," said Wiley.
Then practice specific skills with your child. "If it's conversation starting, give him an opening line. Teach him to make an observation or a statement and follow up on it with a question," she said.
You can promote empathy in your child by encouraging her to imagine, for example, how another child might be feeling if she's not invited to a birthday party.
Praise them when they use their new skill and point out when you have used it yourself. "Did you notice that Dad just did what we talked about this morning?" Prompt them to use their new skill when the opportunity arises.
"It's important to coach these behaviors, but children also learn a lot from the way their parents treat them and from watching how their parents interact with others. Do you yell at other drivers? Do they see you gossiping? Do you get angry at other mothers in the neighborhood and isolate them socially?" Wiley asked.
Even if the adults they know are models of social competence, kids may still need hands-on coaching to master these skills themselves. "The only way to know is to observe your child with her peers--and that can be heartbreaking if your child is struggling. None of this is easy because taking stock of your child's social skills requires brutal honesty," she said.
"It's worth it though because there's a window in your child's early social life during which you can intervene and make a difference--from first to about sixth grade, and if you realize there's a problem, you can take advantage of that opportunity," she said.
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